the day i get married.

i am filled with love, hope and high spirit. with an amazing man.

i can't allow this rite of passage to occur without honoring something that most don't ever talk about. i wouldn't, ever, be the person that i am today without the help of my therapist.

with initial questions of terrible anxiety, she has fostered me through dating disasters, beastly bosses, losing the person i was closest to, being taken out of this world for 24 hours, and then ultimately admitted to return.

however it is that you learn about yourself, trust that it's the most important thing that you can do. always.

1,000 miles.

seems even further when you don't know what to do with your feelings.

i found out that you left all of us, through your best friend's post. i wish that i could tell you that you didn't do anything wrong and that you made everyone feel so special.

including me.

your name is synonymous with savannah, georgia and you will always be remembered by so so many.

including me.

#fear

i know that we can't have good, without evil.

but there is something that absolutely TERRIFIES me. my parents taught my brothers and i the appropriate 'don't talk to strangers', 'check the halloween candy', etc., and that we have to live our lives, but i am 37 years old and i still don't know what to do with feelings that i have when people are stolen from everything.

in first grade i remember, waiting for the bus across the street from our house, when an older man drove by and waved at me. this was the first time i ever experienced the pit-in-the-stomach that something just didn't feel 'right.' fortunately, the bus immediately came.

later, while vacationing with our uncle, a man looking at my brother said 'let's steal the kid' to his friend. i picked him up and RAN SO FAST to the rest of the group. i looked out the back window of the car allthewayhome.

maybe i fear too much. maybe i can be dramatic. but maybe some people are beyond dangerous assholes because this keeps happening. adam walsh. melissa benoit. elizabeth smart. natalie holloway. madeline mccann. jonbenet. even the most recent, vanessa marcotte.

whether taken from the comfort of their own bed or jogging in a 1pm afternoon, picketed fence neighborhood, my heart is broken. because we are all of them.

pride.

is really something that is within you.

i grew up in a home with a family that told me that they loved me.  better yet, they showed me. at times, i felt like that sequin dress on the clearance rack. but they never made me feel that way. ever. now, i have amazing friends that i know must love me. they still text me back.

my struggles are mine. yours are yours. let's meet in the middle and acknowledge. appreciate. and accept. challenge yourself. love yourself. be good to yourself.

however you celebrate your pride, keep your head held high. don't be something. be someONE.

it's where you hang your heart.

but when you can't physically go home, you desperately reach for the comfort, acceptance and tradition that provides warmth under your lapel.

i've been made fun of since the 1900s for my "obsession" with the golden girls. i even saw the originals on saturday nights in the 80's. it reminds me of 'home.' when i was safe, surrounded by people that unconditionally loved me, and when i didn't have to worry about anything. except dodgeball in high school gym.  obviously.

but anyway, these four ladies, connected me with growing up, my family, my first boyfriend ever, so many conversations and a sense of comfort that could never be replaced. innocence.

plus, in gayland, everyone's trying to figure out which one YOU are. XO

this dog.

it’s debatable who actually saved who.

quin, short for mom’s maiden name quinlan, is an everyday christmas morning gift kind-of-gift. i could never have imagined the most fun daily adventures and the deepest level of love and companionship.

anddd let’s be honest, the everyday coaxing of “tinkles and poopydoops.”

happiest holidays!!! from our little love.

never judge a book by it's cover.

enough time has passed, that i feel i have collected my thoughts. more importantly, i have the ability to acknowledge all that i have learned.

on may 18, 2014 my new boyfriend and i were walking home after dinner/drinks with my coworkers. we were held up. we were robbed. and i was pistol-whipped. unconscious for almost 24 hours. TBI.

i woke up in a room of loved-ones, that perpetually makes me teary-eyed. they comforted me. they advocated for me. they loved me.

career immediately on the breaks, focus became a slew of therapies that i knew nothing about. simple things became firsts. remembering three objects. standing on one foot. managing my own schedule. holding conversation. waitingroomafterwaitingroom. typing. texting. and taking the T.

until i was able to graduate therapies, get back to work full time, and ultimately live again, i never thought i was impaired. people don’t think that there is anything wrong with themselves. they lack an awareness that has a verrrrrrrrrry long road ahead, with an equal measure of pot holes, bikers and city traffic. learn as much as you can about yourself. have patience. have empathy. have human strength.

clichés or not, ‘life is short.’ ‘regret nothing.’ ‘don’t burn your bridges.’ ‘actions speak louder than words.’ 'time will tell.' ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’

i am living proof of all of these. and more.

‘live!’

dear diary,

today i tried really hard.

wished a loved-one well, for an upcoming hurdle.

dreamed.

allowed my heart to feel for rosie o'donnell. anddd donald trump.

let a family member know i was thinking of them.

learned from a gigantic mistake at work.

felt comfort with my mom's presence.

met a friend half-way.

today, i did my best.

until next time,
patrick

#brotherscorcoran

stars aligning, we're able to get together once a year. the three of us are so fortunate to have only two years apart from each other, but we couldn't be hella different from one another. we are family. (cue) i got all my bruthas wit me.

these vacations are also an opportunity to see my mom again through both of them:

greg: uber punctual, the handiest, little bit uva' bahston accent and can talk with seriously ANYONE.
chris: mad hosting skills, ridic hardworking, 'clean-as-you-go' nature and every kiddie's best friend.

we definitely don't see each as often we'd like, but it's a guarantee for a really good time. like, so many laugh lines - next year, let's get botox!


*sorry i was such a tattle tale growing up, but now i work in HR  ...  so it really worked out for me.*

judgment.

as closing arguments have rest, bostonian’s aren’t sure what to feel. nothing could possibly ease the minds and memories of what once happened during the boston marathon.

each of us have been, or directly know someone who has been, to boylston st., memorial drive, MIT, and watertown. or even ran the boston marathon. let’s make an effort to be nice to one another. i’m not talking ‘buy the person behind you a cup of coffee’, i’m talking smiling, thank you’s, and awareness of others’ space and property.

whatever is meant to happen to dzhokhar tsarnaev, i can only hope that he has realized that actions have consequences. however severe. this side or the other. 

my best friend's engagement

a bar. the office. a blind setup. dating websites. or even unmentionable apps. 

our ability to meet more people has advanced significantly with technological help. 2009 was a big year for me, as i couldn't wait to move downtown boston (from the suburbs.) i was addicted to match.com and okcupid in order to meet more people. i quickly became interested in this cool guy that seemed to have his shit together - plus he was kind of handsome. in an eddie bauer sort of way. family, career aspirations and even mutual friends were all chatted over a couple of dinners and drinks.

an amazing friendship was created and i literally don't know what my life would be like if he wasn't a text away. he has supported me through just short of everything and even tells me (and anyone in earshot) when i look a little 'puffy.'

you never know what type of relationship may evolve when you meet someone. i am beyond lucky to wish my best friend a happy engagement.  i look up to you and your happiest journey!!!

things my 30 something self would like to say to my 20 something self.

• the hot guy you are lusting after is wayyyy more screwed up than you think (you are). 
• family is so everything. 
• the world really won't end if you publicly fall and ruin everything you are wearing. 
• tell your friend she may have something revolutionary, a gluten allergy. 
• purchase snow removal equipment and a small to medium sized empty property. 
• don't take on others' crap. but do learn more about yours. 
• it gets better. 
• others won't make you happy. you make you happy. 
• fung wah? are you kidding???
• oprah doesn't rule the world, starbucks does. 
• moisturize. everywhere. 

self study

instinctively, i've always used humor as a defense mechanism.

take the other day. i completely ate the sidewalk in front of all the 9am commuters in boston's financial district and before anyone could even ask if i was alright, i got up, and screamed "SAFE!"

things like that.

as of late, i have really paid attention to the "man, i wish i had done that differently." one of the many things that i appreciate about new year's with my friends is that we all say what we'd like to work towards in the upcoming year. mine for 2015 was not to immediately grab on to the self-deprecation, in order to make others feel less awkward. i may not be a bodybuilder, but i am a really strong person. emotionally.

the next time i ass plant, i am gonna enjoy it goddamit. 

to: me

christmas is a time that i get to feel close to my family. without being close to my family.

jesus' bday eve mass would end at like 4:45 and we’d race home to light the candles for santa’s runway. then we’d trek to a neighborhood house party. remember that one when mrs. morris (unbeknownst to her) lit her hair on fire with the candle she was holding ... and then mom threw her to the floor, wrapped in her coat? 'MAURRRYYYY ... WHAT ARE YOU DOINGGGGG????' after hors d'oeuvres, i think there was alcohol, and tons of laughs, my whole family would retreat to our family room to giggle and watch whatever was on tv. the giggling would continue in my bedroom, shared with my brother and cousin, until my dad or his dad would come in and lightly/mediumly threaten us.

we’d wake up by 7, hold hands at the top of the staircase and then be instructed to walk down with our eyes closed. (believe me, i’ve checked with the department of children and family services - there is no official language regarding this) my dad would pass each present and then we’d all begin to open. when all gifts were opened, then we would go in and assault our stockings.

breakfast delight consisted of: bacon, entenmann's raspberry swirl danish, grapefruit, and french toast. we’d all pass in and out of consciousness on top of our gifts, mixed with wrapping paper, and make 'merry christmas' phone calls to other family members / friends. (all while mom cooked all day for the upcoming dinner.)

full turkey dinner was served around 4:30pm. then at 4:45pm we’d all thank mom for a great dinner and bring our dishes to the kitchen where she’d be for the rest of the night. one memory in particular: when grandpa realized that he might have tossed one of the dessert forks into the front yard, whilst shaking the table cloth. fear not, he tore the yard’s spot light out of the ground to officially investigate.

i'm not in finland. i'm not in south carolina or marshfield. and i'm not in heaven.

but you are with me. always.

P's guide to holiday movies

'a christmas story' – just the right amount of asian discrimination and gun laws

'love actually' – only in america could billy bob thornton be president

'family stone' – emotional cutting

'national lampoon’s christmas vacation' – the aunt bethanny impressions alone!

'home alone' – like you’ve never turned your house into a spartan beast race

'white christmas' - rosemary, he's so gay, clooney

'it's a wonderful life' - pffffffffffft

'elf '- everyone's seen it. except me

'meet me in st. louis' - dorothy has hit her head again

honorable mention: 'the nightmare before christmas' - the nightmare before family comes over

kickyouinthecrotchspitonyourneckfantastic

television. movies. shoddy magazines.

whatever your pleasure, people are famous because they are good looking, talented, or kris jenner is involved somehow. some have quiet feelings about a celebrity obsession while others have 'a **** list' where partners will allow a one-nighter.

my hands-down crush on jennifer aniston began in the 90s - when she was on this program that got cancelled called 'friends.' she's the one that got that haircut, a MUST HAVE. know her? when the show started i was an awkward 15 year old, with even more awkward feelings, and dreams of working at CVS pharmacy. next came movie deals like 'picture perfect', 'she's the one', etc.

i fell in love.

every so often you hear how celebutantes are raked over organic coals. never once have i ever heard anything negative about jenny. she's totally a great coworker, girlfriend, neighbor and checkers player (obviously.)

when i realized i was gay, my adoration didn't change at all. it must have been hellacious to divorce and fall out of love with brad pitt. i remember being devastated for us all: 'if brad and jen can't make it work, how the hell are the rest of us supposed to?' but she did it. graciously, and still ended up on top. (insert cliche 'object of my affection' reference.)

i came to the conclusion that i wanted to be a person just like her. a hard worker, funny, living LIFE, where looks shine through when you are happy. she's my heroine.

not drugs, idiot.

patrick's choice: stella.

like every other child, i was always fascinated with neighborhood bars on 80’s television. everyone was so pretty, continuously bubbly, partook in ‘just enough’ drama and all had fun social lives.

i quickly realized how these ‘worth-your-hard-earned-dollar’ neighborhood bars are few and even farTHER between. you can trust that i have done a lot of investigative work...

when i was introduced to stella at 1525 washington st., i was immediately attracted to the sassy space. it’s a legit cross between the south end’s version of ‘cheers’ and a celebration at southfork ranch on ‘dallas’. whether meeting up with friends or a stag sip o' sumpn' sumpn', you will find enjoyment at this restaurant. anddd you may even rub elbows with peeps like communications mogul, liz brunner.

the staff at stella is beyond pleasant and happy to help with your satiation. april, whose hair is almost as shiny as her disposition, always makes you feel like she personally invited you to her own party. please tell her i sent you and tip her well!

it's not only my favorite spot, but so many others'.

special acknowledgements: catherine, katherine, and alejandro.

anddd sunday brunch and #zonin #prosecco

mental health is the new black.

having grown up in a loving (albeit sheltered) household, my parents were able to teach my brothers and i good and evil. however, we were not socially exposed to how adults could potentially behave.

since college, my career has been within human resources. so trust me, i consider myself now-exposed to other people's problems. it's taught me to learn more about myself and i've gotten over the stigma that i once attached to 'seeing someone' (read mental health provider.)

during one of my appointments, i interrupted my own monologue with a 'how long have we been seeing each other?' when the response was '7 years', i nearly fell off the pleather couch. this relationship has afforded a safe place for me to live through breakups, horrible bosses, and the loss of my irreplaceable mom.

as we all see/read incomprehensible news headlines, i immediately realize that the onus is on ourselves to manage mental health (and for our dependents.) nobody is ever going to make you happy, only you will make yourself happy.

like, i want my first straight jacket to be prada.

so i don’t have a horse, but i have been fascinated with sunsets and cowboys (mostly the former) in this amazing life of mine.

i’ve created this as a vehicle to share, learn, and identify with others.



in the words of urban dictionary:

'ride off into the sunset': from a Western movie cliché, in which the good guy who has arrived in a troubled town and solved whatever grave problem it was experiencing with bad guys, gets on his horse and rides west in the direction of the picturesque setting sun.