things my 30 something self would like to say to my 20 something self.

• the hot guy you are lusting after is wayyyy more screwed up than you think (you are). 
• family is so everything. 
• the world really won't end if you publicly fall and ruin everything you are wearing. 
• tell your friend she may have something revolutionary, a gluten allergy. 
• purchase snow removal equipment and a small to medium sized empty property. 
• don't take on others' crap. but do learn more about yours. 
• it gets better. 
• others won't make you happy. you make you happy. 
• fung wah? are you kidding???
• oprah doesn't rule the world, starbucks does. 
• moisturize. everywhere. 

self study

instinctively, i've always used humor as a defense mechanism.

take the other day. i completely ate the sidewalk in front of all the 9am commuters in boston's financial district and before anyone could even ask if i was alright, i got up, and screamed "SAFE!"

things like that.

as of late, i have really paid attention to the "man, i wish i had done that differently." one of the many things that i appreciate about new year's with my friends is that we all say what we'd like to work towards in the upcoming year. mine for 2015 was not to immediately grab on to the self-deprecation, in order to make others feel less awkward. i may not be a bodybuilder, but i am a really strong person. emotionally.

the next time i ass plant, i am gonna enjoy it goddamit. 

to: me

christmas is a time that i get to feel close to my family. without being close to my family.

jesus' bday eve mass would end at like 4:45 and we’d race home to light the candles for santa’s runway. then we’d trek to a neighborhood house party. remember that one when mrs. morris (unbeknownst to her) lit her hair on fire with the candle she was holding ... and then mom threw her to the floor, wrapped in her coat? 'MAURRRYYYY ... WHAT ARE YOU DOINGGGGG????' after hors d'oeuvres, i think there was alcohol, and tons of laughs, my whole family would retreat to our family room to giggle and watch whatever was on tv. the giggling would continue in my bedroom, shared with my brother and cousin, until my dad or his dad would come in and lightly/mediumly threaten us.

we’d wake up by 7, hold hands at the top of the staircase and then be instructed to walk down with our eyes closed. (believe me, i’ve checked with the department of children and family services - there is no official language regarding this) my dad would pass each present and then we’d all begin to open. when all gifts were opened, then we would go in and assault our stockings.

breakfast delight consisted of: bacon, entenmann's raspberry swirl danish, grapefruit, and french toast. we’d all pass in and out of consciousness on top of our gifts, mixed with wrapping paper, and make 'merry christmas' phone calls to other family members / friends. (all while mom cooked all day for the upcoming dinner.)

full turkey dinner was served around 4:30pm. then at 4:45pm we’d all thank mom for a great dinner and bring our dishes to the kitchen where she’d be for the rest of the night. one memory in particular: when grandpa realized that he might have tossed one of the dessert forks into the front yard, whilst shaking the table cloth. fear not, he tore the yard’s spot light out of the ground to officially investigate.

i'm not in finland. i'm not in south carolina or marshfield. and i'm not in heaven.

but you are with me. always.

P's guide to holiday movies

'a christmas story' – just the right amount of asian discrimination and gun laws

'love actually' – only in america could billy bob thornton be president

'family stone' – emotional cutting

'national lampoon’s christmas vacation' – the aunt bethanny impressions alone!

'home alone' – like you’ve never turned your house into a spartan beast race

'white christmas' - rosemary, he's so gay, clooney

'it's a wonderful life' - pffffffffffft

'elf '- everyone's seen it. except me

'meet me in st. louis' - dorothy has hit her head again

honorable mention: 'the nightmare before christmas' - the nightmare before family comes over

kickyouinthecrotchspitonyourneckfantastic

television. movies. shoddy magazines.

whatever your pleasure, people are famous because they are good looking, talented, or kris jenner is involved somehow. some have quiet feelings about a celebrity obsession while others have 'a **** list' where partners will allow a one-nighter.

my hands-down crush on jennifer aniston began in the 90s - when she was on this program that got cancelled called 'friends.' she's the one that got that haircut, a MUST HAVE. know her? when the show started i was an awkward 15 year old, with even more awkward feelings, and dreams of working at CVS pharmacy. next came movie deals like 'picture perfect', 'she's the one', etc.

i fell in love.

every so often you hear how celebutantes are raked over organic coals. never once have i ever heard anything negative about jenny. she's totally a great coworker, girlfriend, neighbor and checkers player (obviously.)

when i realized i was gay, my adoration didn't change at all. it must have been hellacious to divorce and fall out of love with brad pitt. i remember being devastated for us all: 'if brad and jen can't make it work, how the hell are the rest of us supposed to?' but she did it. graciously, and still ended up on top. (insert cliche 'object of my affection' reference.)

i came to the conclusion that i wanted to be a person just like her. a hard worker, funny, living LIFE, where looks shine through when you are happy. she's my heroine.

not drugs, idiot.

patrick's choice: stella.

like every other child, i was always fascinated with neighborhood bars on 80’s television. everyone was so pretty, continuously bubbly, partook in ‘just enough’ drama and all had fun social lives.

i quickly realized how these ‘worth-your-hard-earned-dollar’ neighborhood bars are few and even farTHER between. you can trust that i have done a lot of investigative work...

when i was introduced to stella at 1525 washington st., i was immediately attracted to the sassy space. it’s a legit cross between the south end’s version of ‘cheers’ and a celebration at southfork ranch on ‘dallas’. whether meeting up with friends or a stag sip o' sumpn' sumpn', you will find enjoyment at this restaurant. anddd you may even rub elbows with peeps like communications mogul, liz brunner.

the staff at stella is beyond pleasant and happy to help with your satiation. april, whose hair is almost as shiny as her disposition, always makes you feel like she personally invited you to her own party. please tell her i sent you and tip her well!

it's not only my favorite spot, but so many others'.

special acknowledgements: catherine, katherine, and alejandro.

anddd sunday brunch and #zonin #prosecco

mental health is the new black.

having grown up in a loving (albeit sheltered) household, my parents were able to teach my brothers and i good and evil. however, we were not socially exposed to how adults could potentially behave.

since college, my career has been within human resources. so trust me, i consider myself now-exposed to other people's problems. it's taught me to learn more about myself and i've gotten over the stigma that i once attached to 'seeing someone' (read mental health provider.)

during one of my appointments, i interrupted my own monologue with a 'how long have we been seeing each other?' when the response was '7 years', i nearly fell off the pleather couch. this relationship has afforded a safe place for me to live through breakups, horrible bosses, and the loss of my irreplaceable mom.

as we all see/read incomprehensible news headlines, i immediately realize that the onus is on ourselves to manage mental health (and for our dependents.) nobody is ever going to make you happy, only you will make yourself happy.

like, i want my first straight jacket to be prada.